A LiL SuNsHiNe
"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine."
Why Parents Go Gray ...
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to
the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss,now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered,"The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."
People are always using excuses to get out of work.....
My car broke down, my child is sick,
My alarm clock didn't go off, the power was out.........
and the favorite- "I'm sick"
But here are some really crazy excuses
that real people actually used to stay home from work!!!
I was sprayed by a skunk.
I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.
I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
I couldn't find my shoes.
I hurt myself bowling.
I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.
My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
I eloped.
My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.
My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.
I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India (note: she passed away 20 years before).
I forgot what day of the week it was.
A tree fell on my car.
My monkey died.
I forgot the way to work!
"Going to Heaven" I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if theyunderstood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me
into Heaven?""NO!" the children answered."If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everythingneat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, “NO!"By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all thechildren, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!!
===CHILDREN'S SERMON===
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in Here?"
"I know" a little boy exclaimed....."Pantyhose!"
===MATRIMONIAL PROPOSAL===
T! he prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves!"
===JUST CURIOUS===
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding!" Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
===THE TITHING===
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five!"
===THE BLESSING===
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"
===WELCOME TO OUR HOME===
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you, " the little boy sa! id to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us. The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!" the little boy answered.
=== The Mood Ring ===
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. "When I'm in a good mood it turns green. "When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead!"
===The Water Pistol===
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied.. . . "I remember!"
=== Half Price ===
US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
=== Life After Death ===
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
Reasons not to mess with a child
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead.”
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses.
“Was I getting in the tub or out?” she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, “I don’t know, I’ll come see.”
She starts us up the stairs and stops. She shouts, “Was I going up or coming down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” and knocks on wood for good measure.
Then she yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
